Honest Wedding Invitation

I am now in the Invite stage of my un-wedding planning. My mother, who has real-life skills like Adobe Photoshop (as opposed to me, who can tell you about philosophers who lived 400 years ago), is custom-crafting our invitations just after taking and processing our engagement photos. In other words, she is doing all the work, as usual, and it’s orderly and lovely, as usual.

Writing and sending wedding invitations is almost as weird as receiving them. With all the pomp and circumstance and embossed stationery and writing so curly you can hardly read it, you’d think you were being invited to Cinderella’s ball, not two high school sweethearts at a golf course serving cheesecake. But the weirdest part is–and since the title of this post says “honest,” that’s exactly what I’ll be–a wedding invitation is basically a subtle way of asking for money: “Come to our thing and give us presents!” It’s a fancy invoice, really. I’ve felt strange, even guilty, knowing that I’m subliminally soliciting gifts and cash from my loved ones.

But the reality is, a lot of married couples do need money. (By “need” I mean the first-world definition of need, which means “want.”) Scott just graduated from law school last summer and moved down to Vegas with everything he could fit into his Civic. I took two suitcases and an Osprey pack back from Albania, and since then I’ve acquired, like, a plate. Between us we have maybe one-eighth of a kitchen. Maybe. Everyone needs a little help starting out, and that’s why gift registries are a thing. I just wish I didn’t feel so materialistic putting mine together.

Our invitations are pretty tasteful, mostly because 1) my mom is classy and 2) Scott and I are not the fancy, overbearing types. However, this process does make me think of wedding invitations I’ve received over the years, my reactions to them, and how they compared to the weddings and marriages they preceded.

If wedding invitations were honest:

Mr. & Mrs. So-and-So are delighted to show off announce

in an unnecessarily pretentious cursive font

the marriage of their daughter,

What’s-Her-Face Who’s Definitely Too Young and Might Be Pregnant


Guy Who Looks Nice Enough but Could Potentially Be A Dateline Predator

That guy is definitely a Dateline predator

That guy is definitely a Dateline predator

The wedding celebration will be, just like this invitation, unnecessarily elaborate

Not to mention tacky

Dinner will be served

Food and drink will be hastily purchased from Costco the week before because the bride’s family will finally realize they can’t afford the lavish wedding she’s planned

The booze will probably run out in twenty minutes

Only a few people will be drunk enough to dance

That same annoying friend will try way too hard to catch the bouquet AGAIN

But you have to come because, well, that’s what people do, dammit


The couple is registered at CA$H MONEY MONEY and asks that gifts come in the form of large burlap bags with dollar signs on them



2 thoughts on “Honest Wedding Invitation

  1. Em says:

    I think you’re forgetting that key Mormon part — it tells you if they’re getting married in the temple even though you aren’t invited to that part. Translation: they’re still virgins! If it doesn’t say temple, you think “okay, possibly they’re doing the thing that makes sense and only providing me with the information I need, which is the invitation to the reception” or else “ooooh!!!! let me speculate about their deeply private choices and personal beliefs!” Also what about the picture? Isn’t that just a way of telling us how much money the groom scraped together selling home security systems, by way of ring size?

    I don’t know that I’ll be getting an invitation. But know that I hope it says one of two things: All Because Two People Fell In Love (what is this all?! The peanuts and mints at the reception?) or else “Live, Laugh Love” — Together Forever is also an option. Congratulations!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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