FAQs: My Un-Bridesmaids

One thing I forgot to mention in my “Un-Wedding” post was wedding parties. Scott and I have chosen not to have bridesmaids or groomsmen. Why, you ask? Two reasons:

1. I was once in a college friend’s wedding party. The year after, we had a huge falling out. Now I feel weird because I’m in all of this girl’s wedding photos and we don’t even talk anymore. It’s an unfortunate reality, but people you choose to be in your wedding party might be people you dislike or even resent after you make that decision.

2. I see absolutely no reason to obligate adult women to wear matching outfits. The people closest to me know who they are without me assigning them a dress or a color scheme. I want everyone who attends my wedding to be comfortable with what they choose to wear.

BUT, however, if I did have bridesmaids, here’s who I would pick:

I am Maya Rudolph, of course!!!

I am Maya Rudolph, of course!!!

This is what came up when I hit the

This is what came up when I hit the “See Friendship” button on Facebook.

Kayla Robins: Kayla and I met at my first job at the University of Oregon. We became friends almost instantly, and I can remember the night we became “soulmates” too (that sounds kind of gay). I rubbed Kayla’s back as she vomited into a bush outside of a party, as only good friends do. We lived together for a summer and then she left me for Spain and I left her for Peace Corps, but we’ve been thick as thieves regardless. I would grant her the title of Maid of Honor due to her impeccable organizational skills and sense of style, but mostly because she is my favorite person.

OB-NU574_brides_E_20110506113305If Kayla were a Bridesmaids character, she’d be: Kristen Wiig, of course! But she has her s*** together significantly more than Annie does.

16476_10100256447499154_832337431_nAnne Scully: Anne and I met in high school. It was my first day on our club swim team, and she was the only person who was nice to me. We’ve been friends the longest of all my un-bridesmaids. Notable memories include: bringing me ice cream the day I broke up with my psychopath boyfriend, clubbing and hot wings at 4 am, and literally countless thoughtful gifts. I’m beyond lucky to have her in my life in general, let alone the same city as me.

Film Title: BridesmaidsIf Anne were a Bridesmaids character, she’d be: Wendi McLendon-Covey, because like Rita, she’s most excited about the bachelorette party.

Katie and I at our happiest, just seconds after a Rose Bowl victory for the Ducks!

Katie and I at our happiest, just seconds after a Rose Bowl victory for the Ducks!

Katie DuPont: Katie and I went to school together but she was a year younger than me. We knew of each other but weren’t super close. That all changed when I went to college at the University of Oregon and she got an offer to Northwest Christian University, a private school right next to our campus. I like to think I introduced her to life as a Duck and, a year after her stint at NCU, she transferred to UO. My college experience would not have been what it is without her and, really, I would not be the person I am without her.

BRIDESMAIDSIf Katie were a Bridesmaids character, she’d be: Ellie Kemper, because beneath all the ambition and sass she’s also very genuine and traditional like Becca.

Tony Dundon: It’s my un-wedding, so I get to pick my un-bridesmaids, and if one of them is a man then you can deal with it!!! (Would he be a “bridesman,” then?) Tony and I met at a random party in college, and then had a bunch of classes together, and then worked together, and then we ended up going to McMenamin’s and watching Top Gun enough times that we had become fast friends by my junior year. Tony is one of the few people I trust completely and is also one of the only people that does not fail to cheer me up when I need it. (P.S. WHY DON’T WE HAVE ANY PICTURES TOGETHER TONY???)

bridesmaids-melissa-mccarthy-airplaneIf Tony were a Bridesmaids character, he’d be: Melissa McCarthy, mostly because he’s hilarious like Megan but also because the other un-bridesmaids would be pissed if I picked any of them to be her.

Jill and I on the bumper cars in the port city of Durrës, Albania

Jill and I on the bumper cars in the port city of Durrës, Albania

Jill Conway: You don’t go through hell in a foreign, underdeveloped town like Jill and I did and not reach un-bridesmaid status. As Peace Corps Volunteers Jill and I helped each other in a place where our presence was unusual, and sometimes even felt unwelcome. I can safely say that this girl knows everything about me, she has seen me at my ugliest (physically and emotionally) and yet she still wants to be my friend, which is pretty remarkable. I’ve missed her these past seven months and can’t wait for our reunion.

still-of-rose-byrne-in-bridesmaids-(2011)-large-pictureIf Jill were a Bridesmaids character, she’d be: Rose Byrne, not because she’s stuck-up, but because she’s my newest friend like Helen was to Lillian. And there were days in Albania when she was a contender for Maid of Honor. Also, she has a killer bod.

***

I love all my un-bridesmaids so much that I am un-forcing them to wear un-flattering clothing at my un-wedding.

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