Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton is the worst person who has ever lived. When he smiles, I feel physically ill. His stupid, inane, arrogant touchdown celebrations make me want to Sh#$^&#$%asdkajf!!!!! He could cure cancer, end world hunger, and rub my feet every day of my life and I would still hate him more than anyone else.
People who don’t like sports have no idea what I’m talking about and think the above statement is baseless, immature, and irrational. I’ve been lectured by people close to me for caring “too much” and letting something “stupid” like a final score control my mood for that week. But ask football fans who attended the University of Oregon in 2011, and many of them totally understand my hatred of Cam Newton and may even agree. Even non-Ducks who love any sport can relate, because they’ve all hated an opposing team’s player that much at some point in time. The guy who ruined their team’s chance at a perfect season or a championship trophy, the guy whose face was all over the news the next day, the guy whose victory the announcers keep referring to in the coming years like the twist of a knife that never goes away.
So, for that first category of people who think they’re better than us, allow me to explain why it’s okay–and even healthy–to indulge in (irrational) sports hatred.
Sports exist for the same reasons that any other pastime exists:
- to distract us from the dull, painful banality of an unfulfilling modern life
We need pastimes to add variety, self-expression, and community to our lives. Different people seek this out in different ways. Maybe if I was born a Scorpio instead of a Sag* my mom would complain that I sang the entire soundtrack of Newsies “too much.” Or maybe my dad would yell at me for spending “too much” time playing video games. My point is, just because somebody likes something different than you doesn’t mean that it’s objectively worthless. And because somebody cares about something more than you do doesn’t make it stupid.
*Just kidding, astrology is stupid.
If I didn’t have football, I’d be really sad. I wouldn’t have a team or players that I loved, and in turn, I wouldn’t be able to foster an indignant and admittedly 100% ridiculous hatred for Cam Newton, who distracts me from facing the truth that what I actually hate is the emptiness of human existence. Just as any other person hates Johann Bach and prefers Frederic Chopin, or hates Heidi for betraying LC in season 4, or hates Angry Birds level 5-11 so much that he crushes his iOS/Android device with his bare hands.
In closing, Cam Newton is the most vile, irritating person to ever exist. And, Go Broncos!