The Thursday Theory

Everyone–especially a famous orange cartoon cat–hates Mondays. But I’m gonna explain why Thursday, in fact, is the worst day of the week.

Preface: This applies mostly to full-time professionals or students whose schedule revolves the standard Monday-Friday American work week. If you live in France, don’t read this, because your work week is only two days long. Also, we don’t get long, skinny cigarette holder smoking breaks or “baguette and/or nap hour”here either. (Note: I love France. I don’t know why I’m making fun of it.)

Allow me to present my opening argument: The Vindication of Monday. On Monday, you are taking on a fresh week armed with two days of sleeping in, relaxation, leisure, etc. behind you. You probably caught up on some rest and did things you enjoy with your free time to decompress from the previouswork week. Most peoples’ weekends also involve some sort of chores and errands too, but think of how fantastic you feel after your house is clean or your fridge is fully stocked for the week to come. Mondays exist to give you hope that during the coming week, you’ll actually eat things that aren’t covered in cheese and go to the gym every night and finish that high-brow book about a hip, contemporary social issue. Let’s labor under the assumption that even if your weekend is busy, weekends are either relaxing or productive in a non-work-related way, or both. So, if you ask me (which I assume you are because you’re reading this blog), Mondays get way too bad of a rap.

Tuesday is tolerable because you’re still riding high off the momentum of Monday and the extra sleep you got over the weekend. But I’d agree that Tuesday is probably the second worst day of the week because it’s just kind of, there. Nothing cool ever happens on a Tuesday, it’s merely an obstacle to get through to reach the second best day of the week…

86132-Hump-Day-CamelHUMP DAY! Wednesdays are cool not only because of your resident office camel, but they actually mean something. When you eat lunch on Wednesday, you’re exactly halfway through the week! And that’s pretty inspiring until…

WOMP, WOMP. Thursday sucks because by this point in the week, you’re tired as all hell. Your house is super messy again, you’re out of decent food, and you resort to stress eating at your desk just to keep yourself awake. It’s your second day in a row of missing the gym and you’ve given up out of shame. That trendy book about cyberterrorism is still sitting untouched on your nightstand. You can’t even be excited for the weekend yet because it’s “not Friday,” and at this point that’s all your vocabulary consists of. Thursday exists only to keep it from being Friday. In fact, they should re-name “Thursday” to “Not Friday Yet.” Not Friday Yet is the single greatest threat to America. It’s just as bad as Tuesday because it is meaningless, but it’s even worse because it eats away at your soul.

And of course, if you can make it through Not Friday Yet, Friday is the best day of the week. Everyone knows that. I think even animals and babies are happier on Friday. If we sat down with those guys from ISIS and all talked about how much we love Fridays, they’d start to see that us westerners are just like them and then we’d all sit down and watch Gilmore Girls marathons together.

So there you have it: The Thursday Theory. I’ve shared this theory with many people and it has received mixed reviews. About 50% see my point and even agree, and as for the other 50%…well, nobody’s perfect.

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