Shut Up, You’re Not Moving to Canada

Every four years, America reluctantly chooses between an egomaniac who has been bought and paid for by special interests and another egomaniac who has been bought and paid for by different special interests. Everyone hates both of them but they’re the only two guys (well, now there’s a lady in the mix) who are narcissistic enough to believe that they can actually BE THE BOSS OF THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

This time around, everyone is losing their minds about Trump. Half the country loves him because he is an exception to the standard “bought and paid for by special interests” profile of a typical political candidate. (He has, however, made up for that by doubling up on the “egomaniac” description.) The other half of the country hates him and the orangutan that lives on his head and says things like:

“I can’t believe it has come to this!”

“We’re truly doomed if we elect him.”

“I’m so worried about what’s happening to this country. I’m moving to Canada!”


I heard similar things from my conservative friends when Obama was elected. And re-elected. And me (back when I didn’t know any better) and my liberal friends said the same stuff when Bush was elected. And re-elected. I was a baby when [Bill] Clinton was elected, but I’m sure my conservative baby friends were like, “Waaaaaaah!”

It doesn’t matter who wins; half of the country is going to be upset that they didn’t get their way. They’ll be embarrassed because their guy (or lady) didn’t win and that the other guy (or lady) is now going to RUIN EVERYTHING. Half of the country will be “scared” and start stockpiling canned peas in their basements because they’re convinced the world is coming to an end because someone they disagree with is in control of things…sorta.

I’m sure that presidential policies affect peoples’ lives. People lost their lives in Iraq because of Bush and people lost their jobs because of Obamacare and people lost their virginities because of Clinton. I know that it does matter who is president…to an extent. It’s not completely irrelevant. But what all these “scared” people are going to have a harder time convincing me of is that I should be “scared” too. Because although politics may have some impact on my life, I’m not going to lose my mind over it and fool myself into thinking that either of those egomaniacs is actually going to make my life better, just as I don’t believe they’re going to destroy it. ‘Cuz you know who alone has the power to do that? ME! I am the one who ruins my life!

If Trump gets elected it will suck because I hate that man and I don’t think he represents our country’s values. If Hillary gets elected it will suck because I don’t think she has a single ethical bone in her body. They might make some poor decisions and get blowback for it from the opposing party; but hell, they might make some good decisions too. Either way, I refuse to blame any problems I might have on who happens to be the president. It’s fine to express genuine disapproval. It’s really annoying and immature to pretend that things are so bad that you’re going to abandon your homeland even though there are legitimately dysfunctional governments in many parts of the world.

So in conclusion: Shut up, you’re not “moving to Canada.” You will deal with a president you don’t like just like everyone else, and you’ll move on with your life, which isn’t actually that bad. Because dammit, this is a great country, and although we’re not perfect I love it and wouldn’t rather live anywhere else.



One thought on “Shut Up, You’re Not Moving to Canada

  1. Invisible Mikey says:

    There are several countries I think I would be just as happy, or happier living in, but I wouldn’t move because of who’s President. London is an incredibly amazing city for culture of all kinds, most of which is free from admission or very cheap compared to here. But housing is about as expensive as NYC and the traffic is nuts. I’ve been to mid-sized places like Llangollen in Wales that are affordable and beautiful, but my family and friends are all here. Prague is the place where they intermingle more kinds of people from more cultures than anywhere I’ve been in the USA, and you can buy a four-course meal in a five star restaurant for eleven bucks, but have you ever tried to speak Czech?

    On balance, I’ll stick with “we’re racist but we don’t talk about it”, financially inequitable, gun fetishist, decide about science after consulting the Bible, don’t get too sick or you’ll go bankrupt America, where even a total dick like “Don the Con” Trump can get a decent shot at the top job. We do make the world’s best movies!


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