Adult Birthdays

Here’s what you say when you turn the following ages:

1-11: “YAY!!!! It’s my birthday! I’m going to have a [insert most popular Disney movie of the year]-themed party!”

16: “I’m super angsty and I can drive and go to school dances now!”

18: “I can smoke cigarettes, join the armed forces, and get married in all 50 states! Yet for some reason I still can’t drink beer. Hmmmm…”


25: “I can rent a car without paying an extra fee…cool, I guess?”

Here’s what you think about every birthday after you’re 25:

  1. I’ve done nothing with my life.
  2. I regret everything. Why didn’t I major in Computer Science?! Why didn’t I marry that cute guy I met at that party once?! Why didn’t I use that Café Rio coupon before it expired?!!
  3. How long am I going to live? How much time do I have left??? MORTALITY!!!!!!!!!!
  4. What if all my eggs have already died and it’s too late to have kids???
  5. My choices were all dumb.
  6. I already feel fat and old…am I just going to get fatter and older???
  7. I have 29 years left on my mortgage. I will be 47 by then. Just let that sink in for a minute.
  8. I just want to do nothing all the time but that is not an option. *cries*

Happy Birthday to me!


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